every spring the earth awakes from it's winter slumber and life begins again....as i have watched outside these last many months, it is a welcoming distraction from the chaos that has become my life....job loss, financial instability, family health issues, kid issues, all make me feel like i am one step ahead of a speeding train that is about to run me over. after speaking to many friends, they tell me they feel the same way, and while comforting to know this, i am almost scare to admit outloud that i have never been more afraid in my life.
after moving back to st. louis almost eight years ago and purchasing the family business from my father, lynn and I (but mostly Lynn) have been battling to make the business successful and profitable. after all these years, setbacks, challenges and battles, it has become clear that continuing is not going to happen for us. as with most company failures, there isn't just one reason why it has failed, but several, the major being employee scrap and lack of committment, not lack of work mind you...we have more work than we can handle..... in these times how terrible is that?
everything we have, every dollar we have saved, has been invested in the company. In September, 2008 we both stopped taking paychecks to reinvest the money back in the company. we cashed in every investment, retirement account, etc., to live off of these last 18 months to try to keep the company afloat, to pay our employees and to keep the door open. now that everything has gone to pay the employees who haven't given a "you know what" and we have nothing, i made the demoralizing phone call to file for unemployment only to be told i don't qualify since i have had a paycheck for the 12 month period prior to filing! isn't that a peach! my life's savings, blood, sweat and tears are in a company and i get, pardon me, screwed again. i asked the woman at DES (div. of employment security) what i was going to do, i have two kids, and she tells me to apply for food stamps and medicaid......am i really living this? this has got to be a nightmare! at the age of 42 I am financially ruined, without health insurance and for all purposes up a creek without a paddle. WOW!
my father has had more strokes, the last one being several weeks ago....he has now gotten to the point where they will no longer be bringing him up to st. louis for treatment....there is nothing else the doctors can do....he will stay at the lake and receive therapy down there....good news is he came home this past week and will be able to receive his therapy at home....i feel terrible that at the age of 74 my father is in as poor health as he is....if what the professionals say is true, the strokes will continue with more frequency and severity....it is so sad to watch someone you love slip away....like alzheimer's (which his father had) it really is a long goodbye....
in the midst of all of the turmoil, olivia turned 12 and hadden turned 16....and yes, he did pass his driver's test...my consumption of alcohol has increased! just kidding :) where did the time go? it seems like yesterday she was 4 and he was 8....it goes by so quickly....in a blink of an eye they are grown....i want to go back...! i want a redo! DO OVER!......
i know we are not the only family with job troubles, failing health and kid crisis but sometimes it does feel like it.....at night when i lay in bed, unable to sleep, i remember how i felt as a kid after watching the "Wizard of Oz." The flying monkeys and the wicked witch scared the crap out of me and every year my mother insisted that i watch it....i would lay in bed and just shake...completely convinced they were coming for me.....it is the same feeling...fear...fear of the unknown...fear of the witch that is going to swoop through the air...steal my dog and pull the straw out of my friend....only this time, she's real...
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